Battleship: The Movie

Initial thoughts

At first glance, this might seem like a winner; I know when I first saw the cover I thought it would be. But when it clicked in my head that this was a movie about an alien invasion, based on a board game, I knew this movie going to be poor.

Story – 3/20

The story is stupid, unfocused, and VERY confusing. Half of the time, it is spent on things that have nothing to do with a battleship, or the water in general. The storyline jumps around from romance to soccer; it seems the movie was trying to please as many viewers as possible. But when you add so many genres, it doesn’t add more plot elements, it just takes away from the story…what little of it there is.

And the whole idea of an alien invasion in a movie called Battleship doesn’t make any sense to begin with. When a viewer thinks of “battleship,” they usually think about a sea battle, not an extra-terrestrial invasion.

Plot – 3/20

All of the plot devices are stupid and make no sense. The entire plot device about old World War 2 veterans firing huge cannons doesn’t add up, seeing how they would be close to 90 at the time. It is simply not realistic, nor logical.  Other plot devices are simply not sufficiently explained to make the viewer care, and when viewers don’t care, viewers usually get confused and bored. For example, when there’s a briefcase of equipment needed to disable the alien communications, it is never explained what it does, or what its name is.

Characters – 2/15

All of the characters are idiots, never learning from their mistakes, just messing up again and again. And seeing how none of the characters have any personality to speak of, the characters fall flat, and fast. Besides being emotionally dead throughout the movie, the characters’ dialogue is simply not realistic. For a movie that is trying to make the viewer connect to the main protagonists, it is simply not possible when the words they speak are not the words that an adult/teenager would use.

Acting quality – 4/15

Dead expressions, monotone voice almost all the way through peaceful scenes, over-the-top yelling during action scenes, overreactions to little things, and under-reactions to serious things. The acting is downright pathetic, putting no convincing emotion to anything.  

Fighting/special effects – 3/20

I have seen worse SG in other movies, but the problem arises when the SG effects are highly outdated, looking more like 1990s SG. The choreographed hand-to-hand combat is simply lazy, the choreograph for the fighting seems like a ps2 cheat code. And the fighting for the most part feels boring and dull. Since you don’t care about any of the characters to begin with, when a main character gets killed off, the viewer feels no emotion for said character, making most of the combat pointless.

The gunshots special effects are exciting to look at, but when you realize that the battleship, which hasn’t worked in 70 years, is firing at an unrealistically fast pace the viewer will quickly begin to become bored, and even annoyed by most of the combat.  

 Writing – 3/10

Lazy overall writing, ripping off many clichéd dialogue and clichéd scenes from a lot of other movies, the writer for Battleship: the movie clearly didn’t care about the scenes or dialogue or characters or anything else. I suspect that he was planning on letting the special effects and action carry the weight of the film, instead of the writing. That is not possible in any movie, because even if you have drop dead glorious SG and combat, and everything else is below par, the movie will still flop.

The final verdict for Battleship: the movie, is a most deserving

18/100!

It fails on literally every level, with a confusing and boring story, backward plot, idiotic characters, poor acting, dated SG, lazy combat, and writing.

Avoid this movie at all costs, do not watch it, and don’t even see the trailer!

You have been warned.